About Me

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hello. welcome to my blog. im new to this so bare with me. i am 16 years old and live in good ole orem, utah. i have this crazy mindset that i am going to change the world and so im going to do my best to achieve just that. life is too short to live with regrets so give it all you've got and take chances and don't you ever look back.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

believe in yourself

about two months ago i had an experience that would change me forever. i woke up sunday morning happy as every and headed to church. i was asked to go into the bishops office and talk with him after the block. i thought absolutely nothing of it. after i attended sunday school i headed to young womens. we did the weekly routine and as i was sitting in my seat i could hear some girls behind me whispering about me. my heart literally shattered and i tried so hard to fight the tears. finally when i got into my class i just broke down. i couldn't help but cry.
i didn't know why this was happening to me. i obeyed my heart and my heavenly father and made the choice i knew he wanted me to make and do something that i never thought i would have to do. i lost so many friends for it, got made fun of at school for being a "molly mormon", and now the girls in my very own ward were turning against me. i didn't want to believe it. i just couldn't. i expected that there would be a few girls that were angry with me for my decision but the girls that were whispering about me i never in my life would have guessed that they would be the ones to turn on me. i wished so badly that they could see how much it took for me to make the right decision and how much it broke my heart. apparently they didn't.
after class was over my sweet young women leader gave me a big hug and just cried with me. i didn't need to say anything she just knew what i needed at that moment. a lot of times people look at having a broken heart because your boyfriend dumped you or something along those lines. that is so wrong... of course that can cause you heartbreak but there are other things too, such as the trial that had been placed in my life.
fast forward about 15 minutes i find myself sitting in the bishops office just sobbing. after i finally stopped crying enough to let him talk he told me some things and i just got angry. an angry that i have never felt before. he accused me of doing something i would never ever think about doing. he didn;t ask any questions he just said i had to stop it. i was STUNNED. could this man not see all the pain that i was in? could he not see that i was aching and that i'm not that kind of person. once he finished talking i got up and left. simple as that.
i found my mom and told her what happened and she was angry too. there had been way to many weeks prior to this event where i had to leave classes to prevent everyone from seeing me cry. we both were so ready to be done with this. i hoped that when i made my decision that this would just blow over but it didn't.
i got into my car and drove home and crawled up in bed. i couldn't take this pain any longer. it just wasn't fair. later on that day we went to my grandma's for dinner and once we were done eating i heard a knock at the door. come to find out it was the bishop. my mom had called him and wanted him to explain why he said what he did. after a long talk i had myself convinced that my heavenly father set me up to fail. that he wanted me to fail all so he could watch me suffer.
i had this mindset for about a month. i attened church, but i just wasn't the same person. i tried praying to him to help me see the light but nothing came. i tried reading the scriptures, looking up conference talks, and talking to people and i still couldn't see why. about a week ago i was laying in my bed and had a sudden urge to pray. so i got up out of my soft warm bed and knelt beside my bed to pray. i prayed for what felt like 1 minute but was actually 13. i have never ever said a prayer this long before. never ever. i hopped back into bed and fell fast asleep.
the next morning i woke up and knelt beside my bed to pray. i always struggle with prayers but i knew that i needed my heavenly fathers counsel more than ever. while i was in seminary that day the lesson was about following your heart. well thats what i got out of it anyhow.i read all the scriptures that day and while i was reading i came across one that said that heavenly father has been through the exact same thing i was going through just so that he could help me get through it. at that moment it was like a light switch just went off in my head. i was given this choice to see if i would take the easy route and get myself into trouble or if i would make the harder choice and listen to my father in heaven. i now know that i was given that trial in my life because he knew that i could over come it. he believed in me and wanted me to believe in myself. this was a life changing moment in my life. although these past few months have been pure hell for me i wouldn't change ONE thing that has happened. this trial has taught me to follow my heart and have faith in my heavenly father that he truly knows whats best for me.
i'm sorry for the rambling i just needed to share. i hope that all of you will find the courage to trust heavenly father and to most importantly believe in yourself.
 
xoxo,
hailey mckell

1 comment:

  1. Hailey, I do not know what your going through and i feel like i hardly know you anymore because we have lost touch but i wanted to let you know how amazing i think you are. I am so proud of you for finding this out for yourself and trusting in the lord. Anytime you are going through a trial remember to look back on this experience and drop to your knees for help. I know that I need to do this more often thats for sure. Keep the people you love close to you and the lord even closer in trials. Love you Hailey and I love your blog!

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